I (24f) finally figured out the reason why I have such a low sex drive: it’s because I’m a lesbian

 So, first of all, I grew up in a religious household, in a community that wasn’t very tolerant, so gayness was always something that “happened to other people” in my mind, which I think is true for a lot of people. The possibility that I was a lesbian is not something that ever crossed my mind

Growing up, I avoided intimate relationships (partially because of the religious household thing). I was only interested in sex in theory (I’d read about it in books/movies, etc), and sometimes I would even flirt with guys, but when it seemed like a guy might actually try to ask me out, I’d panic and back away

The first time I had sex was when I went to college. I was drunk, which got me out of my head enough that I could go through the motions, despite not being very into it. During it, I remember thinking “finally, I’m doing what normal girls do” rather than actually focusing on the sex that I was having

Afterwards, I just decided that maybe I wasn’t a very sexual person, but I also decided that I couldn’t avoid dating forever, so over the next couple of years I dated some people, and each time when we would have eventually have sex, it’d be purely because I felt like it was what I ‘should’ do rather than truly wanting to. It was always him that had to initiate it because oftentimes days or even weeks could go by without me remembering that we should probably have sex again

For me, sex always felt like something I was doing for him, and not with him, and any pleasure I got out of it was kind of self-centred, because I was always focused on how I looked in whatever position we were in, or how much he was enjoying himself because of me, which would then make me feel good

In other words, I would get so focused on thinking about how sexually appealing I looked, without ever thinking about how he looks, or being turned on by his naked body like he was with mine. I wasn’t interested in having sex, I was just interested in feeling wanted. As a result when I did have sex, ‘vanilla’ felt boring/uncomfortable since the sex on its own wasn’t a turn-on. So my sex life included a lot of domination/rough sex/BDSM, etc

All of this came to a head when I went to a party and finally met the girl that gave me a rude awakening. Immediately, she was the type of girl I was used to “admiring”. I’d always thought this strong sense of ~admiration~ I sometimes felt for some girls just meant that I wanted to be her friend really badly, or even that I was jealous of her, but later that night, we ended up dancing together as gal pals do, and then out of nowhere she started kissing me, and I finally felt like I could understand why people get so eager about sex. I’m not saying the skies opened and a rainbow shot down from the heavens or anything, but I actually felt arousal, and not the tense anxiety I had been mistaking for arousal before, but actual arousal

For the first time, I genuinely wanted to see someone naked, and pleasure them, rather than just being willing to “let” them see me naked and take pleasure from my body. With her, for the first time ever I was an active, enthusiastic participant during sex without feeling like I was having to pretend to be enjoying myself while waiting for it to be over

This is long, but I wrote it just in case there’s even one person out there who might benefit from it because I know if I’d read a post like this a couple of years ago, it’d have saved me a lot of stress and tears

Found out my “low sex drive/fear of commitment” was really just a failure to ever consider whether I might just not be into dudes

I’m close to tears at how supportive you guys have been, and I appreciate it so much. And to the girls who are in the same shoes I was in not too long ago, I wish you nothing but the best as you continue to discover your true self. Whoever she ends up being, I bet she’s great. There are a lot of resources very helpfully crowdsourced in the comments that are a great starting point if this post has you “questioning”, or if you were already doing so. Good luck!